Hormones Hormones go away, come again another day!

I have hit that hormone surge for the first time I think in this pregnancy. I have been crying for the past 2 days over absolutely NOTHING!! I went on youtube to look up some videos and stuff to remind me of "happier" times and still bawled my eyes out. I think alot of it has to do with the fact that I feel lonely. Even though I have this little person growing inside me my heart is on the other side of the world. Nothing can take the place of that one special person in your life...my daughter is something different. I LOVE LOVE LOVE spending time with her, and just seeing her smile is enough to make me believe there can't possibly be any bad left in the world. Then I have that ever dreaded time to myself...ya know that time where you start to think about EVERYTHING that isn't going how you think it should be. You think about all of the things that you need to get done, and for those that have been pregnant before you realize exactly how short of a time frame 9 months is when you have to prepare to bring a new life in the world. Going through this alone has made me realize exactly how little time I have. I have to buy the baby stuff, and do all of the paperwork and make all of these decisions on my own. I didn't remember having to decide all of the things BEFORE delivery with Abi. I had to turn in paperwork already about who I wanted in the delivery room, whether or not my husband would be staying overnight with me. Whether or not I wanted to breast feed or have my baby stay in my room with me all the time. Decisions that aren't easy to make...and to some people these seem like no brainers. HOWEVER I don't know where my husband is going to be come delivery time. What if he has been sent to the other side of the country for something. Just b/c I have a due date of Sept 30 doesn't mean that is when the baby is going to come. I am not a big planner in the first place. Life has taught me that you can't really plan for things. You can hope and pray that things go how you want and expect them to, but that rarely happens. I am sure that my husband will want to be in the delivery room, and I am sure that he is going to want to stay over night, but that doesn't mean that he will be able to. Yes I want my baby in my room with me all the time, but I don't know what delivery is going to be like so I don't know that I will be able to take care of my baby. There are so many unforseen circumnstances that they ask you to prepare for and it is utterly impossible to account for everything. After losing my last child I decided then and there to just take things day by day, and be grateful for what time I do have, and not worry about the time that I don't know about. I can't stress out about the things that may or may not happen. It makes life irritating, and it makes me angry. As it is now, I am stuck at home, my husband is on the other side of the world and I may hear from him and I may not. I have his family down my throat wanting to know what is going on with him, and I don't know how many times I can tell them that I don't know before it sinks in. I have a very irritating life right now, and no one to share it with. These hormones have almost beaten me into submission >< I have a good deal of chinese food, and some buttered pecan ice cream, and they will by far be my escape for at least the next 24 hours. Here's to hoping that this pounding headache and sickness goes away!

What do you do when your Dr. farts?

So today was my first actual face to face visit with my new OB, and I stand by my previous judgement of not being too overly happy with the office. I will say today was sure alot more fun than previous visits. Actually got to see the little one for the first time, which is always a pleasure for any parent. Still too little to hear the heartbeat but I could see the heart beating. With previous bad experiences with pregnancy this is always a comforting thought. After my ultrasound I get to walk over to the waiting room to actually see the doc, and surprisingly they got me back there fairly quickly. I took ANOTHER pregnancy test, and they took some blood, and then I talk the dreaded walk to the room and you know what's coming next. I think sometimes they like to see how long you will sit in there and stew on the inevitable bits that are about to happen...of course they get the easy part. I am sure that I am not the only woman that is uncomfortable with being spread eagle in front of someone that they are meeting for the first time, and really wish that the doc would have come and met me my first visit in the office so it wouldn't have been so awkward. I am also sure that I am not the only woman that has ever wondered what is going to creep out during the exam. We are pregnant ladies and those little gas bubbles seem to like to pop at the most awful of times. There I am laying on the table and the doc has started the exam...and then it happened. My doctor farted! It wasn't like a little baby poot...this was one of those curtain moving farts! It also had a little smell to it. I didn't know what to do, whether I should say anything about it. I was worried that I was going to end up being THAT person, and here we find ourselves in this predicament. The exam continues and I am just laying there mortified...she is however going to be the person taking care of my baby and me for the next several months and I don't want to upset her. As she is finishing the exam she decides to address the big fat stinky elephant in the room. She looks at me and says " Ya know with the vantage point I was at, I was glad that was me and not you." I could no longer contain myself. I almost laughed myself off the table, which is of course a good 4 feet off the ground. I didn't mean to laugh, I just could no longer hold it in. She then tells me that when I get dressed I can go ahead and get my next appt date, and that she wants to see me again in 4 weeks. After further consideration she changes it to 6 weeks and then props the door open and leaves. I still had to take a moment to compose myself and try to get dressed around this door that is partially open. When I get ready to leave I grab my paperwork and quickly proceed to the lobby in hopes of getting my next appt time and leaving. As I am passing by my doc's open office door I hear her talking to one of the nurses about the Mexican she had for lunch. So this is now my new rule...I will NO LONGER go see any Doc after lunch. I am just not sure that I can handle that much excitement :D

Dear Deployment I HATE YOU!

Well communication between the hubby and me is diminishing more and more. He is work longer hours and getting less time just to kick back or let me know what is going on. I know that he does what he can, doesn't mean I have to like how things are! I miss talking to him and hope that things slack off out there and I get to hear from him more. What started out as a contact a day is now I am lucky if I get a 15 min conversation on his way out the door or to bed.

Abi hardly hears her daddy's voice anymore which is making her act up more and more. She knows that he is gone and is beginning asking for him more frequently everyday. She doesn't understand that he is away for work. She brings me the phone or sits in front of the computer and asks me to call him....it breaks my heart to try and explain to her that I can't. She waits and waits, and eventually gets mad because she thinks that I am not letting her talk to her dad...not that he just doesn't have the time. I hope that one day soon something will click inside her tiny little head and she will understand that her daddy does want to talk to her he just can't right now, and that I am not trying to stop her from talking to him. I think they need to set time aside for everyone to contact their family everyday. I am sure they would find a way to keep it from ppl anyway.

I sent my dog to go live at my Grandma's for a while. I am trying to get my stress level (and blood pressure) down. So far that is proving hard to do. I have to have surgery soon and need to cut out a lot of stress to make it easier with the healing! It's going to be a simple surgery, but a major one. Hopefully this will fix all of my problems, and I have been promised that the Heartburn will go away this time. So YAY for getting hernia's sewed up!!! They told me the other day that once I wake up from the surgery that I am going to have a lot of pain in my chest and left arm, that it would feel like heart attack symptoms but it's perfectly normal. I really am not looking forward to that. I went through it with my gall bladder surgery, and that hurt more than the incisions that they made! At any rate I need to get this done and over with so hopefully things will start getting better. I really am tired of eating Tums all the time. They don't taste all that yummy >< Koda is just way to rambunctious of a pup for me to try to take care of while I am recovering. I am not supposed to do much for the first few weeks so I don't pop a suture. This makes me really nervous as I am not good at being a couch potato.

Anyway I mostly wanted to thank the Army for being totally retarded and too demanding. It is grossly unfair how are soldiers are treated. I think pack mules get treated better than most of them. Timmy was telling me how they are on 12 hour days, and they are talking about putting them on 20 hour days. Which means no more getting to talk to him unless he is at work. I really hate the way they handle things over there. Then my hubby has to make a choice of talking to Abi and me OR sleeping so he doesn't hurt himself with lack of sleep. HMMMMMM which is going to make me worry less??? It does no good getting mad about it, because I know that it is never going to get better...if it changes at all it will be for the worse. It is really hard being the one that is left behind. When you don't hear from that someone you wonder all sorts of things. Did something happen? Is he just still stuck at work? Did his internet go out? Did I say something to upset him? Is he out on a last minute mission? You never know what is going on. Sometimes you hear from the people he is there with, and other times you just have to patiently wait until you hear from them again. You have to be thankful for the times that you know and try not to worry too much about the times that you don't know anything. You have to hold them near and dear to your heart and know that they are doing the same thing with you. However hard it may be to remember these things when they are so far away.

Crazy Whirlygig of FUN!!!

So as if I didn't have enough to do things this month keep adding up. My hubby's birthday is the 13th, and even though he can't be here with us we are going to celebrate anyway. I have already sent off his box-o-goodies and hopefully he will get them next week. It will be a day late, but unfortunately Monday was Labor Day and the post office was closed. I realized this about halfway through the day when I was getting angry b/c the mail hadn't come yet. Alas we will connect on his birthday on opposite sides of the world, which is really better than nothing!!

For the rest of this week however it is one appointment after another. Today Koda (our dog) had to see the Vet. He got what he needed and I found out some stuff that I really needed to know. It seems that our next door neighbor's dog has caught the eye of my furry little son, and is currently driving him nuts. He has been digging and climbing underneath the fence to get to her. They both have been fixed so no puppies, HOWEVER the neighbor is being a butt about the situation. I try to keep Koda inside as much as I can, but sometimes he needs to just roam in the backyard. Not to mention that he does have to potty. When he gets in the neighbors yard though they just let him out of their fence. They don't tell me that he has gone over there or anything, just let him out to roam the neighborhood. This is not a good thing...he is scared to go near the road, but I am afraid that someone is going to take him or that he is going to get run over. I have resorted to chaining him up in the backyard when I am not at home to make sure that he doesn't get over there. I know he doesn't understand and it breaks my heart, but I really don't know what else to do.

Otherwise it's just popping in and out of the house. It seems that so many people are having babies here lately and it has really given me the fever. I love my daughter so much, and not sure if I can even have another one. A situation that I really don't want to dive into. I remember what it was like to hold her until she went to sleep when she was so little. Now I have to chase her down to get a hug!! Getting kisses is out of the question, but it still breaks my heart when she goes bye bye. I love having the alone time sometimes, but I miss her so much when she is gone. She reminds me more and more of Timmy everyday. She is so stubborn, but knows what she wants, and has takin a liking to "Tinkabear" (Tinkerbell to those of you who don't have children), and Sandy (off of SpongeBob). With the temper that could rival her dad's! Oh will I miss these days so much. Really don't know how I ever lived without her in my life. I thought I had a very satisfying life, and then I had my daughter. Everyday that I wake up to that smiling face makes me grateful for every breath that I get to take!

Bored

So the Hubby has been gone for almost 4 months now and it seems like it has been 2 years. He has decided that he is going to stay for a year, so it's going to be until May that he comes home. Happy happy joy joy. On the one hand the money is nice. We have been able to get some bills paid off and others paid down. On the other hand he is missing out on so much. He wasn't here for Father's Day, or The 4th of July, he is now going to miss his birthday, Abi's birthday, Thanksgiving, and he says that he is going to take his R&R for Christmas. With the way the Army goes we will just have to see about that. Nothing is ever as it seems or how it's supposed to be. Think of the worst possible thing that can happen at that moment and that is what the Army is going to throw at you. There is no planning anything b/c everything can change at any given moment. Life is certainly a rollercoaster.

In other news though Abi is talking so much more, and will take the phone away from you if she thinks you are talking to her daddy. He is worried that she isn't going to remember him when he comes home, but she will not forget her daddy. She has her very own picture and she gets to talk to him about once a week, sometimes more. He is out on mission a lot so times vary.

My grandmother found out that she had a tumor on her kidney. It was cancerous, but she had surgery to have the whole kidney removed. Somewhere in the process her belly button got a huge cut on it and the Doc can't seem to get it to heal. Not only that but he has no idea where it came from. He isn't sure if he did it or not. I am not sure what the hell kind of Doc this is, but he hasn't impressed me much. Honestly it isn't my decision where my Grandma goes, but I have been trying to talk her into going somewhere else. It's been almost a month since her surgery and they are just now going to do another surgery to find out what is going on with her belly. This is going to be an all new experience. I am not sure how much longer I can bite my tongue.

I have been doing pretty good healthwise for a change. However might end up having to have surgery on my stomache. The pain is getting absolutely unbearable. Terrible heartburn all of the time making it hard to sleep. I have tried just about everything I can over the counter and even some that were prescribed. Nothing much left to do really. I am waiting on a letter from my insurance to tell me what I can do next. Life is busy busy, but there is no better way to pass the time when your Husband is away than to fill up your time. I hope that it keeps passing by as quickly as it has been!!

Deployment

So the hubby left on the 11th for the first deployment that he has gone on since we have been married. So for two years I have had him pretty much by my side through everything. When we first started talking and got together he was in Iraq, but at that time it was like this new love kinda thing. Everything was still fresh and new, so we got through all of that awkwardness and scaredness while he was gone which made it perfect. Now it is totally different. Every minute seems like an hour and every day seems like a week. I am beginning to wonder if this is every going to end. I have gotten to talk to him quite a few times since he has left. I do enjoy hearing his voice every chance that I get, but it will never take the place of those arms wrapping tight around me as we go to sleep at night. Our daughter Abi walks around asking for daddy. She knows that he isn't here but everytime she hears a car outside she runs to the door, and my heart breaks all over again. I hurt for her b/c I know that no time soon will it really be her daddy walking through the door. Currently we don't know when he is coming home. Originally it was only going to be a 6 month deployment (which sounds shorter than it feels) but I was informed today that their time there may be extended. We of course won't know until he gets a little further along in his deployment. My husband loves his job, and I am extremely proud of him for it. There will always be conflict and people being torn away from their families..I am just glad that he is getting most of it out of the way while the kids are still young enough to forget it. I can't wait until he is finally where he is going to be for a while that way Abi will be able to see him, if only for a minute or two. I know that it would help my feelings and I hope that it will help hers and his as well.